What can I say, the bimbos in my class don’t know how to read. 

#FAKEFANS

Stop being so “psyched” about something that you don’t know the first thing about. 

So its been ages since I’ve actually posted text on this tumblr (I usually just reblog pics and gifs), but I really felt the need to rant today. I guess I just need to get everything off my chest. This is kinda awkward and personal, so feel free to just scroll by and completely ignore this post. I won’t hold it against you. But if you’ve decided to continue reading, fair warning, I really can’t be bothered to censor both my thoughts nor my language at the moment.

Where to begin? I guess I should start at the beginning. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this on tumblr, but those of you who know me IRL would know about the friendship problems that I’ve been having. Namely, with a certain someone who shall remain un-named.

I want to clarify. I have nothing against her, and I still consider her one of my closest friends, even though she hasn’t talked to me in 2 months except to scold me and criticize everything I do. Honestly, I’d like to believe this is what love (the platonic kind) feels like, because whatever she does, and no matter how pissed off I am, I’ll always still miss her everyday.

For the person in question, if you’re reading this, I want to say, sincerely, that I’m sorry. I never thought quitting would have that much an impact on you, and I never meant to hurt you. I hope you understand that 75% of it wasn’t even my choice, and that I really couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe if I’d known then that you would’ve reacted like this, I would’ve thought it through more, or fought against it harder, but I hadn’t know, and I didn’t fight, so that’s that. There’s nothing else that can be changed, but I hope you won’t let something petty like this come between us. I miss you. :(  Something about you brings out the best and the worst in me, there’s no denying that. But while you focus on the fights, the squabbles, the screaming, I’d like to focus on the smiles, the laughter, the good memories. What’s love without hate? What’s happiness without sadness? I’ve accepted your flaws, and come to understand your short-comings, so why can’t you do the same for me?

As for why this suddenly came up today, I guess I was just frustrated by her (your?) behavior. Even if you’re still angry at me, can you still at least try to be civil? I think that’s basic courtesy. God knows I’ve tried, so is it wrong to expect even the most minute amount of effort on your part? I’m not asking for anything elaborate. I’m not asking for you to beg for forgiveness on your knees, or for everything to be alright again. I just want for us to be able to talk properly in a group setting, rather than me trying to get your attention, and you pointedly ignoring me and upsetting the entire conversation around us. I honestly would’ve expected to to be a lot more mature than that.

So because of this one girl, I’m feeling left out and upset about everything. In comes the next group of girls, who are supposed to be my best friends and who could be termed as my ‘clique’. I don’t think you’re reading this, but if you are, I just want to ask: Do you truly consider me a friend? Or are you just tolerating me like we tolerate certain other people? Because you treat me like a friend, and you seem to be completely okay with me, yet you’re going out together without telling me and being all secretive. I’m not ashamed to say that I feel excluded, like there’s this enormous thing going around and I’m the only one who doesn’t know about it. Is today Ignore-Sarah-And-Make-Her-Feel-Unwanted day? Because that’s how I truly feel. If my own clique is ignoring me, and doesn’t seem to want me there, then why am I even here? Why am I ever hanging out with you guys?

Sometimes, I feel that these people aren’t really my true friends. I mean, I have fun with you guys, and I do love hanging out with you and slacking around with you. But I feel so different sometimes, about the kpop thing, and the chinese, and the whole hard-working, studious kind of mindset. I think the reason why I hang out with you guys so much is because I’m lonely in class, and feel the need to fit in. Is that bad? Is it wrong of me to hang out with people who I’m not really attached to because I want to feel like I belong? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I hate you, and I’m not saying that whatever I say or do is 100% sincere and from the heart. I just feel like, when it comes down to it, I might be willing to be there for you, but will you be there for me?

And of course, we have this other girl, one that I’ve always trusted and hung around with. I honestly liked you, you know that? I treated you as a friend, and I stayed loyal to you, even when others badmouthed you or talked crap about you. I defended you, told them to just tolerate it because you’re just you. I really thought you were my friend. Yet you turn around and did this to me? The worst thing is that I heard it from someone else. If you’d had a problem with me, please just say it to my face. I’d much rather you be blunt, and we settle this amongst ourselves, than for you to go around and badmouth me to other people. And honestly, if the worst thing you could say about me is my English banded class, which, for your information, is completely satisfactory to me and NONE of your business, then I think you’re just nitpicking and pathetic. I’m perfectly happy with my English class, because not everyone is so elitist like you and want to get into the first band. I take pride in my grades, and in my studies, because I know I did my best. Not because I like to be better than people, or because I feel good when my work is acknowledged. Not everyone is as self-centered as you, so please stop criticizing me just because I didn’t do as well as you, okay?

And then we come to my other circle of friends- the girls who really matter to me. The ones who I call first thing when I feel like going out, and who I feel totally myself. I absolutely love you guys! I think you know who you are. Some of you will be reading this, or have at least seen it, I’m sure. But I just want to say thanks for being there always, and for accepting me for who I am, even though you might get irritated at my constant Potterhead-ness, or my random comments about 1D guys, or anything else that people apparently get pissed off at me for. I miss you! Why are you guys all split into different classes? I feel so close to you, yet so detached in school because we’re all leading different lives, hanging out with different cliques, and just not getting each other’s inside jokes anymore. I just hope and pray that we’ll forever be close, even if we’re not as close as we are/used to be, and that we’ll never betray each other. I trust you guys, okay?

And for one last group of people that I want to address this to. Can you seriously just open your eyes and stop deluding yourselves? You think you’re so cool and popular, just because you’re acting like attention seeking whores and making such a big commotion that everyone turns and glares. Please, wake up, can’t you see that everyone doesn’t like you, that we find it irritating the way you flip your hair or sing ridiculously loudly, monopolizing the whole class and outvoting us all. Its like you don’t even care about the wellbeing of the class or the rest of us “nobodies”. You just want to control everything, to have your way, regardless of how you’re affecting the rest of us that are serious and committed to what we have to do. Do you honestly believe that you’re getting idolized, or that you’re the envy of us all? Well, newsflash, you’re NOT. Please, stop acting like you’re all that. We know better, and we’re just tired of it all.

So I guess that’s the end of it. For today. Because I honestly think that if I have anything else to say, my head and heart might just explode. Its midnight, so I guess I have to go to bed, but before I leave, I just want to leave you, dear reader who’s stuck with me and lent me a listening year, with one last word of advice. If you have a problem with someone, just say it to their face. It may be blunt, it may be rude, and it may sound horrible at first. But ultimately, you’re being honest, and honesty can only lead to closure. The worst thing is for you to have a friend for the past few years, to completely trust her and confide in her, and then to realize that she hates you, she can’t stand you, and she’d betray you at any chance.

I’m sorry for dumping this on you, and for just being such a bitch. I know I’m overly critical, and I know that I’m being unfair in my one-sided views. Trust me, no one knows better than I do. But I’ve learnt to live with my flaws, and I’m just trying to get this off my chest before I hit the hay. Thanks for reading through all that crap though, and if you don’t agree or have an opinion, please tell it to my face and not go behind my back. I’ve had enough of that in 2 months than I need.